I want the truth YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

At the last Law Centre session I worked, I had a client who at the end of the meeting asked, "are you a solicitor?" Its not an unusual question, and ordinarily a simple one to answer, but I allowed my practising certificate to lapse and couldn't be holding myself out as one. "I'm non practising but qualified". Client wanted more. "Basically I don't work for a law firm or anyone else at the moment". "Oh. Why not?"

Oh great. one of those.

"I'm currently looking for work and the market is slow".
"Isn't there anything else you can do instead?"

Suddenly my condom postered cubicle felt more like a darkened cell with no windows, and I was being blinded by having a light flashed into my eyes aka the most simple questions with the hardest answers.

"I'm sure there is but there is little work out there generally".

By the two month stage of unemployment, I had started looking at any jobs I could work. Even though accepting that I had to do this was tough in itself, being out of work and earning nothing was not helping my emotional well being and my social life was suffering immensely.

"Oh, I see. Did you go to university and stuff? My sister wants to be a solicitor, is it worth all the years study and expense?"

The interrogation got harder. Swirling in my mind were views from folks who believed that if a person did not have the cash or come from an academic background generally, they should think twice. But who was I to trample on a young girl's dream? And the truth is, even though I was unemployed, that two and a half hours a week where I got out there to meet real clients did make it worth it. Yes, I'm one of those annoying people who is so thankful for even the smallest of things. I had to be. At that time I had nothing.

I wanted to be honest but not depressing. I told client that her sister needs to do as much work experience as possible. That if she really wanted to go to university, she should do so, even if it wasn't to study law, one cannot negate the value of the experience. I also explained the routes of entry to the profession (FILEX, GDL), and said that if her sister was going to go to university, she had to make sure it was the best university she could get into for her chosen field.

It was a chat. It was five minutes. It was draining. Thank F that was over.

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I've not really been sharing much this week. Truth is, lots has happened. The other truth is, that it could all be over. There has been work. There will be payment for it. There will be more news on whether the position continues in the New Year. There have also been interviews, and I will keep you posted.

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I've been stalking again this evening, the boy has been on my mind so I've been googling boy related stuff. The information I found was strangely sparse (considering that there should have been links to the entertainment industry) so I googled myself. I may only have two pages of hits, but they are all me, and build a picture of my last 4 years of existence.

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I've been wondering this week whether it was time to simplify me. Maybe my name is a barrier to people getting in touch because its not the easiest to get a tongue around. I had decided a long time ago that I'd drop the nicknames when I went professional, maybe its time to not be so precious about it. A name is such an important thing...

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I always think that multiple exclamation marks make the writer look a bit manic. Ok, I did it on purpose up there, but I may start adding it in an attempt to seem slightly eccentric. When did I become so conventional? I mean !!!!

Only if you went to...

Applied for a job this morning. It was one for which I had the necessary experience, and so one I felt I had nothing to lose by going for.

I got an email from the Recruitment Agency (which is actually a great thing, often RAs fail to respond at all), informing me that due to a vast response, the recruiting firm is only accepting applications from the top 10 city law firms.

I see.

It wasn't good enough that I had my own clients, rather than flicked through someone else's files;

Advised clients face to face, rather than sit in on the client meetings of others;

Undertook extensive drafting of documents, contracts, policies and procedures, rather than find the correct precedent for the partner to work with;

Completed HUGE commercial transactions with the other side, rather than being told that the project had completed and we were billing the client;

Drafted complex research which formed the basis of written advice to clients (word for word), rather than provided snippits of information on ad hoc matters;

Negotiated and drafted settlements; rather than bill the file when told it had been done;

Dealt with a whole host of marketing and financial target strategy, rather than shadow the life of solicitors and partners...

...and totally understandable that I am overlooked because of the location and name of my training establishment.

I so wish I worked for a top 10 and left with extensive experience of how to prepare and check bundles...(I got some of that too btw...)

Yes, I am bitter, but I embrace and accept it with all my heart. I am, of course, only human...

eerie goings on, its Friday the 13th...

I try not to be into hocus pocus, though I have to admit to checking a dream dictionary, and when I remember, reading my horoscope, but my recent trio of notallthatgood luck I've had over the past 4 months, did spark a memory which gave me a creepy "there's something out there" feeling.

A few years ago, I visited a clairvoyant, maybe out of interest, but probably because things hadn't been going my way - all I wanted to know (I think) was that things would be alright. So I sat in this little middleaged man's front room as he shuffled a deck of cards and tried to look pensive, and waited for "answers". YOU ARE CURSED! What. The. Fey?! He insisted. "A hex has been placed on you and its affecting your household. But don't worry, give me 3 grand and I'll sort it out." Three, thousand, pounds? That snapped me out of my I need to know the future phase! So I left, laughed about it with my parents and friends, and tried to forget it. As far as I was concerned, if I was cursed, I'd live with it...what doesn't kill you and all that jizz...

I live in suburbia, and when we've a gorgeous sunset, and I'm driving down my road, I have to admit to being in awe at how pleasant it looks, the tree lined pavement, the yellow tinged sky...{dreamy}. Outside my house we've a large tree and as the season started to bring its changes, I noticed that the side of the tree which faced my house, was bare and dead, and the side which faced the street and other homes, was still leafy and vibrant...could it be? How long had it been like that? Was it time to call a priest and get the holy water out (my nonna had already been over to pray in every room and squirt holy water (which she kept in a Highland Spring bottle under the stairs) on the furniture - it obviously hadn't done the job). Was this "a sign" that I'd been jinxed?

I have to say, that although things have generally ticked over ok, I've never really had an easy life where good things just seemed to happen and come easily (this goes for my family generally but we tick along), but things until recently were never desperate. This week however, I had the most dreadful feeling of sorrow come over me. I was at a birthday party for a 4 year old. I can't even remember what we were discussing, but I know it wasn't me or my situation. I wasn't dwelling. Nowdays I don't have to give it special thought. My eyes feel constantly full and heavy and I'm grateful that they never fail me by providing the embarrassing kind of situation where I have to tell someone who notices "what's wrong"; rather than the occasional feeling of "fuckola", fuckola has become constant, and my chest appears to lightly pound continuously.

I suddenly had a realisation, for the first time ever, that "they" got me, and I'd been "done". The belief that I could make it because I had the will, the intelligence, and the qualifications, regardless of my circumstances and how I got there had merely been an idiotic dream. There would always be something to keep me in my place. What on earth gave me ideas above my station? This has to be the most profoundly distressing feeling I've had about my situation in the last 4 months and was incredibly upsetting. So many thoughts. What exactly was my station? What exactly was I meant to be? And who were the "they" who had "won"? What was I beaten by? Am I beat? I shook it off and I've continued my daily job seeking routine but my every concern is that I'll be in this situation in a years time, and have given up on everything I had believed in, not least that hard work and determination will be rewarded.

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I had an interview this week, and will maybe have another next week. There's not much in the way of NQ positions, these are for 2+pqe roles, so I'm hoping that these employers see the potential in me which a number of people like to remind me I exude. I also started more free work, and this time it was the get really stuck in kind of work I love. I was appeased whilst I was doing it, but my default is currently unsatisfied. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am....

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I discovered the Education and Maintenance Allowance this week, which pays 16-18 year olds up to £30 per week to attend a course. Are they having a bubble?

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I get a knock on the door today asking me whether the car parked outside my house was mine. The Council were coming to fell the tree because it was dead, and would replant another one. Well well well.

You are now crowned...

So I tweeted about dreading the upcoming admissions ceremony to officially celebrate my admission to the roll of solicitors. I really was dreading it, not just because I've spent nearly a decade getting to this point to find myself for the first time in 14 years unemployed, but because I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep my emotions in check on the day. I've been rather good at hiding the roller coaster feelings the last 4 months have taken me on and it has started to become more difficult in the last week.

It was actually my first time at the Law Society. I worked around the corner from it for 3 years and had never set foot inside. I think part of me wondered what I'd do when I got there, whether I'd be welcome, and I'm not even sure I realised that there was a library inside.

The Society was established to offer a centre for solicitors to mirror that of the inns of court, who offered assistance and a community to the barristers who joined. I'm not sure theirs rivals those I've seen at the Inner and Middle Temples and that of Lincoln's Inn, but it was spectacular and good to see it all the same.

The ceremony had a wonderful MC who made the proceedings go without a hitch, with some light humour. Awarding the "fake" certificates was the Deputy Vice President John Wotton - it was the first ceremony where he wasn't merely a spectator. When we spoke after the event he shared that he had missed his admission ceremony, due to a client meeting that morning.

As each of our names were called, we would have a photo with Mr Wotton, and then he'd say a few words to each of us. I knew he would be asking where I was working, and my mind was spent trying to find a way to say I was unemployed, but also to put a positive spin on it (I'm currently not liking the doom and gloom which appears to have taken a grip on my brain at the moment, and especially didn't want it to ooze out of my mouth or demeanor).

"Little Lawyer!"

Oh crap that was me.

Shoulder's back, biggest smile and strongest handshake. Photo, and "so where are you working now?" "I'm currently looking for work and am hopeful that a suitable opportunity will arise in the not to distant future". There I did it. Mr Wotton didn't seem dazed, and I went back to my seat, wondering how many other newly qualifieds were in a similar position to me.

At the reception afterwards (no wine - I've noted this Law Society - I expected a glass of red at least, if we weren't going to get bubbly unless we paid for it), Mr Wotton struck up a conversation with my brother, and we got talking. I thanked him for his speech and that the day had been organised, we talked about MDPs and the market, and he wished me every success. I'm glad I went. I don't think I'd have regretted not going, but having been, I would have missed out, and it was important for my parents too. I'm official, and off I go on my merry way...

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...with a slight detour to casualty - my mother fell over whilst looking for a vase to put the flowers she and my father had bought for me, and is now, unable to even hobble...deary me.

WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT

Along with my "new" exercise regime I've had a pretty full week or so.

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The phone has been ringing with rec cons URGENTLY wanting to speak to me (go figure), and people informing me of potential openings, and telling me how wonderful my CV is. CVs have been sent out, however the phone today has been eerily quiet. I wait with baited breath (well I don't really, I continue to search, but I do so without the use of traditional rec con methods nowadays unless they get in touch with me). Still pro bono-ing.

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I decided not to renew my practising certificate. I couldn't justify the cost whilst I'm not earning, and as so far, any promises of work have not come to fruition (yes rec con who linkedmein - I'm still waiting for your call and wont be chasing again). I figure that I'll have the time to renew when a job comes my way. So now, I am a solicitor (non practising). I wonder who I'll be mingling with at my upcoming admissions ceremony to practice my new title on. Anyway, contrary to what I thought, it wont stop me from working at my local law center - yipee!

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Do you all remember my first ever blog post, which was also used as a guest blog piece for @charonqc's blog? On nepotism? Well this week I was asked to interview for a commercial property firm, which is incidentally the area of law which fellow trainee used to jump up and down over. Ironic how fellow trainee got a job in the area of law I was after and her ideal job came my way. Tempted to snap it up so I can gloat.

(Rec con who gave me the heads up about this one, also told me that the position at "Wedolaw" (see previous blog post) is still open, and interestingly, we had the same views on the kind of law firm they were. She also told me that the salary that I had tried to negotiate for myself was absolutely acceptable.)

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I applied for a pro bono role which would take me a little while to get to, but as expenses would be paid, thought it would be a great opportunity to keep working, and give something back. Had a long convo with the manager of the dept who was absolutely incredulous that I'd give up my free time to do it, especially with so much travel required, and even more surprised when I suggested that I would continue my commitment by working from home where appropriate and if I could. Manager couldn't believe that someone with such a great CV (I'm not making this up folks - her words not mine) is unemployed and said she'd be happy to have me even for a day if it meant that I'd found a job. Part of me thinks its a shame that its only when we're in need of work that we offer to give up our time for charity. A few hours a week/month isn't too much to ask of us all is it, whether we're employed or otherwise? Or maybe its that there is a lack of awareness of volunteer opportunities?

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Attended one of the freebie CPD courses yesterday. Fantastic seminar given by Wragg & Co's employment department. They seemed so happy and such well adjusted lawyers. I day dreamed throughout that it was me giving the presentation and the super lawyer life. Wragg & Co obviously care about their lawyers' well being. Already checked, no vacancies.

For the first time someone came over to sit next to me and it was really nice to have a chat. Interesting chap, barrister, local councillor, and pro bono-er. Unfortunately he zoomed off to network with Wragg & Co before saying goodbye. Never mind.

Oh and posh tea bags which do not allow peculation - what is the point? Nothing beats PG tips or Twinnings.

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Got a mention in @NeilDenny's piece in wikivorce about legal aid cuts. Sparked some personal sensitivities as on first read I thought it suggested that I was expecting too much in hoping for an NQ job at a salary higher than £20k. On second read I realise that it is an article about concerns about the future of legal aid and legal aid practitioners. Worth a read so have a look!

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That's all for now. I think. I can't imagine anyone is still reading...and don't you guys think I haven't noticed the lack of comment on my last post...