My search for...

...a mate. Its been tough. Its kept me more occupied than I'd cared to have been over the last three months. And it has been fruitless. Let me tell you all about my 50 first dates (only a few really) and teach those who don't already know, how to be a gentleman.

The Spaniard

This could have been good. He told me the name of his first child (a boy of course) when he found the right woman and had kids - and it didn't freak me out. But when he asked me why I was slurring my words, I was too drunk to tell him it was because I'd shared half a bottle of red with him on an empty stomach, as he was too cheap to suggest we eat. So I ordered food.

Word to men. Don't judge me for my love of red wine.

The Boomerang

This one makes the list, even though I dated this guy last year. The reason? Because nearly nine months after our last date, he sent a text out of the blue, asking whether I'd like to spend an afternoon in bed. My reply? "It's around 9 mths since last saw u. Glad u got in touch. Want to ask if u'd like to be at the birth?"

Word to men. You have to be something pretty unforgettable for a woman to lose her self respect for a quickie.

The Chinese

I knew before our first date that this guy was going to be trouble. He kept trying to get me to meet him near his place, which was the other side of town. An hour before the date, he wanted to postpone because of an oven disaster (this is true); then expected me to jump at his bequest when his over disaster was over later that day. Contrary to what he must have thought, I had things to do.

Word to men. Be a gent and make it convenient. And don't be a loser and postpone for a ridiculous reason. Women are busy people too.

The Mexican

The date went really well and he took steps to prolong the date by ordering extra drinks, and when I'd gone to the ladies, he ordered me a mint tea after our meal. The guy paid for pre dinner drinks, and for dinner, and walked me to the tube. He was good company, but I could not imagine touching his lips with mine. Also, every now and then, I'd see him rubbing his forehead or his eyes, as if something was stressing him out. He also had a number of mobile phones.

Word to men. Don't cheat on your wife.

The Essex boy

We had joked before meeting about how I'd prepare a list of questions to test our compatibility. As he said he'd do the same, I thought I'd follow through, and prepared five questions to lighten the mood of our date. Things like showing him a glass half full of water and asking what he saw and finding a riddle on the Internet. This guy was good company. I whipped out my five questions and fired away. We had a laugh. He fished around in his Barbour jacket pocket, and pulled out a sheet of paper with 35 questions on it. At least this will be good for an hour and a giggle I thought. I was wrong. The questions he had for me:
"What are your attitudes to marriage?"
"Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend?"
"What do you think are important qualities in a partner?"
"What is your attitude to money?"
"Where do you buy your clothes?"

The good thing about the questions was that we worked out that we were after different things. Even so...

Word to men. Its a date not an interview.

The Greatest dancer

He suggested we meet at Waterloo. He was late. I told him I'd wait by the baggage store. He decided to meet me in front of the platform he uses to get to/from London so I had to find him. We went to the Waterloo food market, great idea, although I had already eaten (food was never mentioned), and I was freezing because of the wait. He suggested some salsa dancing action and walked me thirty minutes to another part of town. In heels. And it was cold. And there was a closer (easier for me) tube to that venue. We got inside, and now, without the crisp freshness of the outdoors to mask it, I noted that he smelled of sleep (you know that smell a man's clothes picks up when he has slept in them?) Rank. So our dance lesson started. It was a perfect date as there was lots of partner swapping so I got to spend all of four and a half minutes with him and his sweaty hands.

Word to men. Wear clean clothes, don't be late. and be considerate when the likelihood is that your "lucky" lady will be wearing heels and its -5 outside.

The Blondie

There was so much promise. We had so much in common, and when I wrote "hon" on my phone, it would auto correct to his name - it had to be special. I looked forward to the date after some great text banter, only to be met by a sappy man, who disliked his waster of a brother but fed him cash anyway. This also appeared to be a theme, as he showered his friends with gifts too. I'd be having none of that, and would eat this man alive. I cut this one short.

Word to men. You can't buy friends. (well not this one) and grow some.

It was after this date when I had decided that I'd had enough. I'd forgotten why I was even trying,and thought maybe I was doing it for my friends' and family's benefit rather than my own. Then I met...

Batman's sidekick

We had a good first date, although got drenched in the rain, he had no plan after the first pub, he got groped by another woman (which I found hilarious), we went dutch, and I missed my last train home. Even so, the first date turned into a few dates, until he asked "are we dating or are we seeing each other?" I'm not sure there is a difference between the two, and told him that I wasn't seeing anyone else, and we should maybe talk about our differences if he was keen to make things official. The difference I had in mind, was religion. This guy was an atheist, I am a catholic; and we spoke, and he said it wasn't a problem.

For the next few weeks, he wanted me to meet his friends, go to a wedding with him, and to meet my parents. I went away for a weekend, and the night before I left, went to his. Driving home, I texted my friend and said I wasn't sure I was feeling it. "What has he done?" she asked. There was nothing.Was this just cold feet? Was my thinking twice about mentioning him to my family or introducing him to my parents (it had only been six weeks) my being fussy and I should go with it? He was so willing to please, attentive (although we always went dutch), and seemed to be pretty much content (no one wants to date a guy who is after a girlfriend just to fill time). Because I couldn't put my finger on whatever it was I was feeling, I didn't say anything, and on my return from my weekend away went over to his.

"So, how into all this religious stuff are you?"
I explained how I sometimes go to Church, that I pray, and that when I have children, they will be baptised (all the things I'd mentioned before).
"Yeah, well, I'm not sure I can be down with all that".
It transpires that he had had such a good time that weekend at his friends' wedding, who had a registry office wedding with such a fun party afterwards, and were "their own people" that it got him thinking.
"A wedding day doesn't make a marriage". Those were the only words I said to him.

What a prick. A week before, he was commenting on how I was different to the other girls he'd dated as I was pretty with it and had no psycho tendencies; and suddenly, he had a good time at a wedding and decided that I was not my own person.

Although I truely feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I felt not very much when he told me, I am annoyed. A little at myself for not working out what my instincts were trying to tell me (I wont go into the dreams I'd been having since meeting this guy, or my constant anxiety); but mainly at him. He was the one constantly pushing for more, whether it was for me to stay over, or meeting my parents.

Word to men. Think before you speak. If you're going to dump a girl, don't make her drive over to your place. And when you do it, (especially when you've had a weekend to think about how), try throwing in a word or two about how its a shame because you'd had a good time over the last couple of months, and how she is truely a wonderful person and you're sorry to see it end. That is what a gentleman would do.

My love of food...

...often takes me to the streets. There's nothing more I love than going to a restaurant for a three course masticational marvel; however when you're on the go, meeting friends, the sun is out (!) and you just want some wholesome food which will not only keep you going, but make your stomach do flips on the aroma alone, there's no other way but the street food way. Here are my central London top tips - and Borough Market doesn't feature (gasp!)

1. The Goodge Street Food Market - Goodge Place - Monday to Friday 11 til 3pm

There are only a handful of stalls in this tiny little side street - but that's all you need when you have a salad bar; a Turkish and Thai stall; and my two favourites - the Hoxton Beach Felafel's stall and Freebird Burrito - which take it in turns to tickle my taste buds and keep me the voluptuous vixen that I am...

2.  The Torrington Place Farmers' Market - Torrington Place, Bloomsbury - Thursday lunch time only

You'll find her a collection of tarts, pasta, cheese, venison, boar, pig, lamb, pasties, ice cream and some - much organically grown; and what's more, you can take some of your favourite ingredients home with you to try to recreate the symphony you'll no doubt experience on your visits. My favourite? Mersham's £3.50 venison burgers with home made sauces. Yep. I really said £3.50. Not only that but you can take home some venison cuts to enjoy when you go home.

3.  The Real Food Market - Waterloo - Friday and Sunday - 12 til 8pm Saturday 11 til 8pm

This is a new discovery and wow the excitement as I walked closer towards the buzz a month ago at 7pm - for the mere fact that it was early evening and still open, which meant that I could take my street food loving to a totally new level. This food market is massive and there is nothing you will not find. Visit visit visit! My favourite here is dessert - Churros and chocolata from Churros Garcia. The guys there just would not stop filling my cup full of churros which totally blew the socks of the churros I had in Barcelona the month before. With market food available this late, I cannot understand why people still go to restaurants...

4.  The Good Food Market - St Katharine Docks - Friday 10 til 4pm

I never had a favourite here...I started with a safe (but heavenly) paella, and travelled the world to Thailand, Peru, Nigeria (I had my first taste of Nigerian food),France...it is all good. Catch it on a sunny day, and you will be forgiven for forgetting that lunch time was over and you were still meandering amongst the foodies and the stalls, taking in the rainbow of scents and sights...and I often did forget that lunch was up...but I could afford to in those days...

5. Sunday (Up)Market - The Old Truman Brewery, Brick Lane - Sunday 10 til 5pm

I paid my first visit here last Sunday, and it absolutely made my wet, dreary, not going very well Sunday afternoon. I was soaked, hungry, cold, and on entering a small side door just off Brick Lane, I was met with food from every continent, a wonderful band playing swing, we were undercover, and there was seating. This really was a truly well organised food market, and the noodle soup I had totally hit the spot. If I see them again, I'll be sure to get their name down to share with you all. In short, forget Sunday brunch, just go (Up)Market.

So if you got this far in my post, you may think me being slightly indulgent in my food fantasies. I could easily spend my days touring the world for authentic, fast, and orgasmic tasting food, but I can't. So this is really a call for aid. Please leave a comment...one which tells me where your favourite food market is (anywhere in the world), and the one stall people should really not miss...

Lately, I've been mainly reading erotic literature

Well ok, that's not all I've been reading. I'm also reading David Copperfield as the adult reading is not really appropriate reading for my daily commute, even with a Kindle. As a hot looking vertically challenged individual, I just know I'll end up with a harem of the over the shoulder readers when they realise what they're reading. I'm no horny porn watching woman, so how did this new genre slip into my reading list?

What you probably don't realise is that I am a lot cooler than you think I am. I am, of the moment. I am learning to play ukulele. I go Muay Thai boxing and to Zumba classes. I'm a food market connoisseur, and will be learning to make do and mend. So when my friend from New York WhatsApp'd me the other week, and asked me if I'd heard about a British writer called E.L. James who's books were taking the US by storm, she could not believe it when I told her I had never heard of her or her books. Film rights to this "adult romance" trilogy had just been snapped up by Universal and everyone was (and still is) talking about it.

A quick google about the first in the trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey told me that US women of all ages were having their temperatures raised and their hearts (and loins) beating and it all resulted from this literotica...but its not without its controversy.

The story is about two 20 somethings - Christian Grey, a multi zillionaire with a penchant for BDSM; and a recent graduate Anastasia Steele, a virgin who moves over to the "dark" side by the charming, beautiful, powerful and rich Grey. Grey offers Steele the opportunity to have a "relationship" with him, based on a contractual agreement where Steele becomes his weekend submissive, and agrees to three good meals a day, a personal trainer, a new wardrobe, with some whips and leather in the Red room of pain thrown in. By the time Anastasia decides she doesn't want to lose Grey, it is clear that the love making in the book does not meet the suggested expectations raised from the start, although the scenery (his room, her room, on the piano, in the lift, on the boat, in the Red room of pain ...you get the picture) is always a welcome change.

You can probably tell that I wasn't overly impressed, but the books are an easy and enjoyable/care free read and I want to know what happens next. The promise of some BDSM action failed to deliver in the first of the trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey and half way through Fifty Shades Darker (which was only bought because of the cliff hanger at the end of the first) its still pretty vanilla. The appeal of the stories is probably the result of some decent marketing, the popularity of the Kindle (no one will know what you're reading), the lovable rouge Grey character, underlying love story, and the fact that the uber conservative US dislike some of the themes suggested by the book (the BDSM, submissiveness, child abuse and paedophilia) and the fact that women are lapping up the story. Some are feeling uncomfortable about the fact that a storyline of this nature is sending women into a frenzy of horniness, without noting that although the suggestion is there, the intimate liaisons featured are (so far) pretty vanilla, and although there is the underlying promise of something raunchier that hasn't (yet) delivered. That's not a problem if you're happy to have your temperature slightly raised at an almost believable love story. That and the fact that I love being "of the moment" means I'll probably buy the final in the trilogy.

My best bits (so far):

• The love story is a nice and its easy reading, requiring pretty low concentration - everyone needs some switch off time...for all other times, there's a bit of David Copperfield...
• Creating a drinking game - a shot for every time the following words appear in print: holy shit, my inner goddess does a pirouette, up and down, on my sex
• The relief I felt when there was almost a sex scene but the chapter ended (once you've read five or six...)

My worst bits (so far):

• When the next chapter started with the sex scene I thought I'd avoided (when my own inner goddess did a double flip and kissed her teeth)
• When the following words appeared in print: holy shit, my inner goddess does a pirouette, up and down, on my sex
• It's not fantastically written and if it wasn't for the underlying storyline/plot, can feel a little repetitive