Neglect

I know, I know, I'm sorry I've neglected you dear sweet blog, but I've had to be careful because I've shared more than I should have on Twitter, I'm sure I can be easily "found out" if I haven't been already. Regardless, I'll try my hardest to continue to keep this as true to what has been going on with me and my accompanying thoughts and feelings as possible. So here I go...

I've had cause over the past month to introduce myself as a lawyer. Its been strange and I've stumbled over the words. The reality is, that I've only been a pro bono lawyer, and had one week's worth of work as a lawyer since qualification so I didn't feel like one (more true today than ever before - but that's another story).

Things haven't changed over the break. I am more optimistic generally, but the reason for this renewed energy is twofold (and maybe misguided).

For some strange reason there are people out there who have a determined belief in my abilities and success. These are intelligent people. Some know me well, some know me in passing. Some know my work but many don't. I don't talk the talk, I don't think I'm arrogant, and can't do the whole "biggin' yourself up" thing. I don't invite these comments and I find them embarrassing and the burden to be a success suffocating. How can they be so sure? I figure that if so many people have so much faith in me, the least I can do is accept their compliment and acknowledge that there is something that others see in me that is currently transparent to me. Someone hand me a palm full of powder.

The other reason I've tried to be upbeat is that I have done my sums, and have figured that there is a level of "bad" which is reachable and once that level is reached, the only way things can go is better, or good (or magnificently well but I don't want to get ahead of myself.)

So I'm trying and usually, it works. I have had those niggling doubts (you know the ones, that I got a bit too big for my boots, or that I had those actor type dreams of making it big and in reality I'll end up a bit of a loser, an overqualified waitress, and my friends and family will laugh at me in 10 years time when I'm still looking for my big break) and I'm trying really hard to shake them off. Yes, this means that I am constantly having a word with myself. But you know what? This is really hard. But I'm doing ok.