At least you've got your health...

So health wise I've had a tough time of it in the last year. It started when i returned from my honeymoon. I just couldn't seem to function as i used to and everyday at work was a struggle. After about 2 months i suffered from planta faciaisis (whilst not diagnosed by my doctor, discussion with friends cleared up that this was in fact what I had, and not MS). This was 6 months of walking like every step was on glass, being bent over having difficulty straightening up, and generally feeling past it. At 36. Surely not already? Well I'd enjoyed my earlier years...

But it didn't end there...the fatigue I'd felt at the start of the year persisted, and then the symptoms began. Terrifying, look back into the red bowl symptoms. Terrible, I feel like I'm carrying rocks in my tummy symptoms. Terrible, it kind of hurts and is so uncomfortable to be intimate with my new husband symptoms. What was wrong with me?

After a number of trips to my GP (with photos and even video...believe me it was necessary), I was referred to my local hospital...for an appointment in 6 months! I think I cried that day (at least on the inside, I don't do tears). Long story short and after some jiggery pokery, I managed to get myself in to a consultant within a week, and within 3 had been booked in for a colonoscopy (again thanks to photos). It was something one would rather not have, but it was not as horrendous as I thought. And there it was...on the screen before me, the inflammation which was causing me misery. On finishing up I was told "you have colitis and you'll need to keep a diary and take our number", and waited to be seen by a consultant. And waited. And waited. So apparently its OK to discharge a person who has just been told she has a chronic lifelong condition for which there is no cure and let her go...of course I wasn't having that and managed to get myself a course of drugs to deal with the symptoms I'd been suffering. And wow what a difference!

So anyway the point of this whole blog post was to talk about how we can be kinder to others on the tube. I spent most of 2015 in pain, unable to stand, or simply exhausted. I travel from East to West and back again every day and work long hours. It was just knackering. One day as I was half asleep in a priority seat at rush hour, a pregnant woman on crutches asked me to stand up as she needed my seat. Of course she did...but I could have cried that day. I felt unwell, and probably looked it but had no choice but to give up my seat. I didn't feel able to ask someone else for theirs. It made me wonder whether there was a better way.

I understand that TfL are trailing badges for the disabled, however I wonder whether we can free up more seats than that. When I'm well, often I take a seat just simply to get out of the way. What if we had a "Need a seat? Ask me" badge? Or a system called "1,2,3 rotate" for those happy not to sit for their whole journey and can swap with other rotators? Or maybe I should just feel confident to ask for a seat when I need one (without feeling a need to explain why) and not feel hard done by if someone says no. Could we all be a bit more compassionate and understanding with each other?

I'm not particularly convinced us commuters have it in us unfortunately...for the last few months I've been carrying my own little passenger...the commuting populus have certainly maintained their unique personality! All I can say is thank goodness for that little white badge...

"The market" excuse

You've probably guessed that I'm currently working. And guessed that its not permanent. And know that on the whole, I'm feeling a new kind of optimism which is creating a bubble of interest and demand around me. There is nothing firm in the pipe line, nothing set in stone, not even a firm offer out there yet, but there is movement and I'm slightly bothered. How strategically should I be contemplating these options, and can I afford to think strategically at all?

I have a friend who is in assurance and recently resigned from a position at JP Morgan. She is on the job hunt, and was telling me about how each job should be chosen on the basis that it enhances one's CV. You only move up; or sideways if it is something extremely relevant to your professional/career development.

So what do I do. I know where I would ideally like to be. The potential for it to happen in the next 3 months is there and that is fantastic. However I also know what its like to be unemployed and quite frankly, 3 months on the dole again? No thanks. Not again.

I now find myself in the midst of something extremely interesting which is in no way related to my long term goals (as I currently see them); and it wont make me rich (remember my last post?) Its not even a lawyer role, but it would be a good experience generally. But then what? What happens when I come out at the other end and am back on my tour of law firms cap in hand asking them to take me seriously once again? Will they understand? Will they take into consideration "the market"? "The market" line is getting boring, how long do we think we have left on its shelf life?

And here I am again...balls all up in the air and hoping that this girl can catch...

Neglect

I know, I know, I'm sorry I've neglected you dear sweet blog, but I've had to be careful because I've shared more than I should have on Twitter, I'm sure I can be easily "found out" if I haven't been already. Regardless, I'll try my hardest to continue to keep this as true to what has been going on with me and my accompanying thoughts and feelings as possible. So here I go...

I've had cause over the past month to introduce myself as a lawyer. Its been strange and I've stumbled over the words. The reality is, that I've only been a pro bono lawyer, and had one week's worth of work as a lawyer since qualification so I didn't feel like one (more true today than ever before - but that's another story).

Things haven't changed over the break. I am more optimistic generally, but the reason for this renewed energy is twofold (and maybe misguided).

For some strange reason there are people out there who have a determined belief in my abilities and success. These are intelligent people. Some know me well, some know me in passing. Some know my work but many don't. I don't talk the talk, I don't think I'm arrogant, and can't do the whole "biggin' yourself up" thing. I don't invite these comments and I find them embarrassing and the burden to be a success suffocating. How can they be so sure? I figure that if so many people have so much faith in me, the least I can do is accept their compliment and acknowledge that there is something that others see in me that is currently transparent to me. Someone hand me a palm full of powder.

The other reason I've tried to be upbeat is that I have done my sums, and have figured that there is a level of "bad" which is reachable and once that level is reached, the only way things can go is better, or good (or magnificently well but I don't want to get ahead of myself.)

So I'm trying and usually, it works. I have had those niggling doubts (you know the ones, that I got a bit too big for my boots, or that I had those actor type dreams of making it big and in reality I'll end up a bit of a loser, an overqualified waitress, and my friends and family will laugh at me in 10 years time when I'm still looking for my big break) and I'm trying really hard to shake them off. Yes, this means that I am constantly having a word with myself. But you know what? This is really hard. But I'm doing ok.

The battle

I decide on the way to the interview that I actually didn't want the job. I couldn't see how it would advance me professionally and was annoyed that I'd have a commute in traffic and that the salary probably wouldn't keep me in decent holidays.

I get there an hour early and decide to call a friend, who is incredibly wise and always knows exactly what I need to hear, even if I didn't know it myself. "Come on Little Lawyer, isn't this just to ride out the Armageddon?"

So I walk up the stairs to the offices and the first thing to hit me is the smell of hot food. Lunch was 4 hours ago. I sit in the small reception where there were clients waiting to be seen. They must have already been there a while. I'm seen 20 minutes late and they were still sat there.

"So Little Lawyer, I'm going to give you 30 files and by the end of the month you'll have another 20. Is that going to be a problem for you?"

This was obviously an attempt to intimidate me, so I told Mr Partner that if I wasn't intimidated on day 1 in a ridiculously busy department handling my own case load where the files were piled up on my desk when I was a trainee, why would he think that keeping me with a constant stream of work would be a problem for me.

"You do pro bono work. What's in it for you?"

"So Little Lawyer, I guess if the firm you trained with really wanted to keep you they would have made arrangements so that could have happened..."

I interrupted. I told Mr Partner that if he wanted to know why I wasn't kept on, he could ask me straight rather than insinuate all sorts of things about my capability without even knowing me. This was turning out to be more of an argument than an interview.

At the end of the interview, I left, thinking that if this place thought they were going to get blood from me they had another thing coming. I'm hardworking, conscientious, and worth every penny, but I wont be taken the piss out of when the wages don't match my new qualification.

So I thought it went really badly. I was on the defensive to the point of being rude (which isn't me at all) and must have made a really bad impression - the last thing I wanted to do. I called my recruitment consultant and gave him the bad news and was suprised to hear that they really liked me. I think I may have got the job, and all I have to do is negotiate a suitable package, but I'll know more this week.

An Interview!

I should be happy right? If for nothing else, it was my first and it would be good experience.

I make a few calls to rearrange my day, so that I can “prepare”.

The importance of preparation was drummed into me at a course I attended aimed for out of work professionals. Not only should I look the part and wear a suit (who would turn up for an interview in anything else?!) but I should practise.

I look up my course notes and start to jot things down.

1. Prepare adjectives that describe you.
Approachable, adaptable, cooperative, capable, credible, determined, discreet, diligent, efficient, responsible, sincere, trustworthy…gosh I sound boring…
2. List your strengths and weaknesses – weaknesses must be turned into positives.
Strengths: Approachable, adaptable, cooperative, capable, credible...... (you get the jist right?)
Weaknesses: Erm...hmmmm...dislikes having to make lists? Will that do?
3. Think up examples to demonstrate core competencies.
Core competencies are VERY important for anyone applying for jobs and attending interviews. I found this very helpful website http://www.interview-skills.co.uk/competency-based-interviews.aspx

Anyone who is preparing for a job interview, knows that preparation in advance is a good way to practice what you will say so that you don’t feel like you are suddenly being put on the spot, and this will help keep those nerves at bay.

So I continue my prep, but after about an hour of thinking about what I wanted my prospective employer to know about me, I had a reality check and realised that I wasn’t interviewing for a position at Linklaters. This was an interview with a little place in suburbia which dealt purely with publicly funded work. They just wanted to know that I could keep the machine well enough oiled to have the LSC cash pumping in.

Was I right? Well this is how it went…