Go on...admit it...

On 31 December 2008, I was stood on the Embankment, shivering with my lips turning blue, waiting for some fireworks to go off. I was there with my cousin, who made a comment about how I would forget about them ('the family') when I became a lawyer. This offended me deeply, because my attitude to my friends and family, regardless of their status has never changed and I disliked the insinuation. Our relationship changed a little that night, but I think it did something more profound.

Most of the people I grew up with, as well as my close family, are not in the professions. I enjoy seeing them when I do, and as far as I'm concerned I'm the same person. My parents love to tell people that I'm a lawyer, and I hate being there when they do. Last week, I went out for a drink where I met some blasts from the past. The question inevitably arises, "what are you doing now?". He worked in a metal factory, where apparently the job was crap but the pay fantastic.

"So what about you?"

I hate the question. I don't know what it is, but I check myself before saying it that my tone is right and I don't sound like a snob.

"I'm a lawyer".

"I mean, I'm an unemployed lawyer".

Why did I do that? Its like I had to take myself down a peg or two. For the benefit of whom? The most ridiculous thing is that I was a locum at the time, so not unemployed at all.

My "unemployed lawyer" statement was a turning point for me. I worked and studied hard. It was tough. It is still hard going, not knowing where my next pay cheque will come from, but I cannot negate the successes I have had, and I degrade myself each time I ignore it.

I recall an email exchange with @markgriffith where the subject turned to ambition and wealth. I could agree to being ambitious, however felt embarrassed to say that money was any motivation. I couldn't understand it then, and I still don't now, and this one sentence in our exchange has often come back to haunt and trouble me even years after I made the statement.

Well at the moment, I'm feeling optimistic. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm savouring the feeling. I was called a brilliant lawyer and fantastic, by two different people, both of whom have had a limited experience of me. I celebrate my successes and you should do so too.

And I can admit to my motivation of wanting to make a living. A decent living. There's a certain kind of life I want to be living, and I'm going to get it for myself. There, I said it. Well almost. I'll let you all know when I'm ready to say I want to be rich...