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On 31 December 2008, I was stood on the Embankment, shivering with my lips turning blue, waiting for some fireworks to go off. I was there with my cousin, who made a comment about how I would forget about them ('the family') when I became a lawyer. This offended me deeply, because my attitude to my friends and family, regardless of their status has never changed and I disliked the insinuation. Our relationship changed a little that night, but I think it did something more profound.
Most of the people I grew up with, as well as my close family, are not in the professions. I enjoy seeing them when I do, and as far as I'm concerned I'm the same person. My parents love to tell people that I'm a lawyer, and I hate being there when they do. Last week, I went out for a drink where I met some blasts from the past. The question inevitably arises, "what are you doing now?". He worked in a metal factory, where apparently the job was crap but the pay fantastic.
"So what about you?"
I hate the question. I don't know what it is, but I check myself before saying it that my tone is right and I don't sound like a snob.
"I'm a lawyer".
"I mean, I'm an unemployed lawyer".
Why did I do that? Its like I had to take myself down a peg or two. For the benefit of whom? The most ridiculous thing is that I was a locum at the time, so not unemployed at all.
My "unemployed lawyer" statement was a turning point for me. I worked and studied hard. It was tough. It is still hard going, not knowing where my next pay cheque will come from, but I cannot negate the successes I have had, and I degrade myself each time I ignore it.
I recall an email exchange with @markgriffith where the subject turned to ambition and wealth. I could agree to being ambitious, however felt embarrassed to say that money was any motivation. I couldn't understand it then, and I still don't now, and this one sentence in our exchange has often come back to haunt and trouble me even years after I made the statement.
Well at the moment, I'm feeling optimistic. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm savouring the feeling. I was called a brilliant lawyer and fantastic, by two different people, both of whom have had a limited experience of me. I celebrate my successes and you should do so too.
And I can admit to my motivation of wanting to make a living. A decent living. There's a certain kind of life I want to be living, and I'm going to get it for myself. There, I said it. Well almost. I'll let you all know when I'm ready to say I want to be rich...
I can't help it. Its in my blood. An act of courtesy costs nothing, and if you forget your manners, I'm going to make a judgment about you.
Yes, I'm talking to you Ms Recruitment Consultant. As for the rest of you, I did tell you guys that I had an interview last year which would have involved me relocating to the South West didn't I?
Well that happened in around October. Did I want to relocate to the South West? Of course not. Did I want a job? You bet. Did I ever hear whether I was successful in the role...
Ah yes, Ms Recruitment Consultant, you forgot something.
Ok, so I could have chased as it was in my interests to find out the result. The fact was that by that time, I had had it up to here (that's a really high "here") with RCs, and I decided that I would not be actively using them to find me work. There was that, and the fact that I didn't want to move.
I think I can safely assume that I didn't get it.
But today, in my inbox, I receive an email from Ms Recruitment Consultant. She tells me that there's an opening and she'll let me know whether I am going to be interviewed. Do I want to get in touch? Not really. Do I want to tell her about her "oversight"? Oh yes. Will I?
Well somewhere over the last year I seem to have lost a bit of the personality I was so fond of in my younger days, when I was an opinionated spark, and shared my view with anyone who listened because I thought they cared.
What happened to me?
Out of courtesy, I will email, and inform her that I have some temp work and wont be requiring her assistance for the time being, but thank her profusely for her continued attention. There is little point in burning bridges is there?
I know, I know, I'm sorry I've neglected you dear sweet blog, but I've had to be careful because I've shared more than I should have on Twitter, I'm sure I can be easily "found out" if I haven't been already. Regardless, I'll try my hardest to continue to keep this as true to what has been going on with me and my accompanying thoughts and feelings as possible. So here I go...
I've had cause over the past month to introduce myself as a lawyer. Its been strange and I've stumbled over the words. The reality is, that I've only been a pro bono lawyer, and had one week's worth of work as a lawyer since qualification so I didn't feel like one (more true today than ever before - but that's another story).
Things haven't changed over the break. I am more optimistic generally, but the reason for this renewed energy is twofold (and maybe misguided).
For some strange reason there are people out there who have a determined belief in my abilities and success. These are intelligent people. Some know me well, some know me in passing. Some know my work but many don't. I don't talk the talk, I don't think I'm arrogant, and can't do the whole "biggin' yourself up" thing. I don't invite these comments and I find them embarrassing and the burden to be a success suffocating. How can they be so sure? I figure that if so many people have so much faith in me, the least I can do is accept their compliment and acknowledge that there is something that others see in me that is currently transparent to me. Someone hand me a palm full of powder.
The other reason I've tried to be upbeat is that I have done my sums, and have figured that there is a level of "bad" which is reachable and once that level is reached, the only way things can go is better, or good (or magnificently well but I don't want to get ahead of myself.)
So I'm trying and usually, it works. I have had those niggling doubts (you know the ones, that I got a bit too big for my boots, or that I had those actor type dreams of making it big and in reality I'll end up a bit of a loser, an overqualified waitress, and my friends and family will laugh at me in 10 years time when I'm still looking for my big break) and I'm trying really hard to shake them off. Yes, this means that I am constantly having a word with myself. But you know what? This is really hard. But I'm doing ok.
