A few years ago, I visited a clairvoyant, maybe out of interest, but probably because things hadn't been going my way - all I wanted to know (I think) was that things would be alright. So I sat in this little middleaged man's front room as he shuffled a deck of cards and tried to look pensive, and waited for "answers". YOU ARE CURSED! What. The. Fey?! He insisted. "A hex has been placed on you and its affecting your household. But don't worry, give me 3 grand and I'll sort it out." Three, thousand, pounds? That snapped me out of my I need to know the future phase! So I left, laughed about it with my parents and friends, and tried to forget it. As far as I was concerned, if I was cursed, I'd live with it...what doesn't kill you and all that jizz...
I live in suburbia, and when we've a gorgeous sunset, and I'm driving down my road, I have to admit to being in awe at how pleasant it looks, the tree lined pavement, the yellow tinged sky...{dreamy}. Outside my house we've a large tree and as the season started to bring its changes, I noticed that the side of the tree which faced my house, was bare and dead, and the side which faced the street and other homes, was still leafy and vibrant...could it be? How long had it been like that? Was it time to call a priest and get the holy water out (my nonna had already been over to pray in every room and squirt holy water (which she kept in a Highland Spring bottle under the stairs) on the furniture - it obviously hadn't done the job). Was this "a sign" that I'd been jinxed?
I have to say, that although things have generally ticked over ok, I've never really had an easy life where good things just seemed to happen and come easily (this goes for my family generally but we tick along), but things until recently were never desperate. This week however, I had the most dreadful feeling of sorrow come over me. I was at a birthday party for a 4 year old. I can't even remember what we were discussing, but I know it wasn't me or my situation. I wasn't dwelling. Nowdays I don't have to give it special thought. My eyes feel constantly full and heavy and I'm grateful that they never fail me by providing the embarrassing kind of situation where I have to tell someone who notices "what's wrong"; rather than the occasional feeling of "fuckola", fuckola has become constant, and my chest appears to lightly pound continuously.
I suddenly had a realisation, for the first time ever, that "they" got me, and I'd been "done". The belief that I could make it because I had the will, the intelligence, and the qualifications, regardless of my circumstances and how I got there had merely been an idiotic dream. There would always be something to keep me in my place. What on earth gave me ideas above my station? This has to be the most profoundly distressing feeling I've had about my situation in the last 4 months and was incredibly upsetting. So many thoughts. What exactly was my station? What exactly was I meant to be? And who were the "they" who had "won"? What was I beaten by? Am I beat? I shook it off and I've continued my daily job seeking routine but my every concern is that I'll be in this situation in a years time, and have given up on everything I had believed in, not least that hard work and determination will be rewarded.
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I had an interview this week, and will maybe have another next week. There's not much in the way of NQ positions, these are for 2+pqe roles, so I'm hoping that these employers see the potential in me which a number of people like to remind me I exude. I also started more free work, and this time it was the get really stuck in kind of work I love. I was appeased whilst I was doing it, but my default is currently unsatisfied. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am....
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I discovered the Education and Maintenance Allowance this week, which pays 16-18 year olds up to £30 per week to attend a course. Are they having a bubble?
I get a knock on the door today asking me whether the car parked outside my house was mine. The Council were coming to fell the tree because it was dead, and would replant another one. Well well well.
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I get a knock on the door today asking me whether the car parked outside my house was mine. The Council were coming to fell the tree because it was dead, and would replant another one. Well well well.
First off - I think that fellow you saw was just out to steal your money. I have been to clairvoyants in the past - in fact one in particular who truly is gifted- she has an uncanny ability to get inside your soul - and reflect it back to you - what you should be doing with your life - what you try to hide deep down inside. She can also communicate with the dead - which is why I went to see her. And I felt that connection. It was what I needed at the time. You are going through a difficult phase in your life. But you have great skills and much to offer - it's only a matter of time before you find a job that will challenge you again. And who knows - it might not be a lawyering one either! You have a set of skills that can be applied elsewhere - so if you're open to that perhaps that will yield fruit for you as well. I wish you well - it takes courage to speak openly of the darkness that lies within. Peace.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts and encouragement Joanna. I know I'm good and have a lot to offer, and that this situation cannot last forever but this is a testing time (one of many I'll come across I'm sure), and although I hate to be the bearer of doom and gloom, this is a blog purely for my own selfish venting - a personal outlet. Its also the reason why I had tried (unsuccessfully!) to remain anonymous. In terms of the clairvoyant, I'm open to seeing another. I think I'll be seeing someone in the coming weeks and it will be interesting to see what she comes up with :)
ReplyDeleteSo you've been found out have you? You could scrap it and start anew? Always best to see a clairvoyant who has been recommended by someone - not something you can find in the yellow pages. Good luck in your job search! ;D
ReplyDeleteNot really found out, but quite a few people now "know". Hopefully those few are not prospective employers or people I've discussed in the blog (fellow trainee, rec cons, interviewers...)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your good wishes x
Hey Little Lawyer!
ReplyDeleteI am in the same position as you and you describe exactly how I feel at the moment. It's hard to get up in the morning and to keep up with the job searching routine knowing that there are hardly any opportunities around. But, in a way, it's reassuring to see that I'm not the only one going through this. Hope you'll get a job very quickly!!
Hi Sophie
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through it too, its tough out there, but one thing I keep reminding myself of is that this is temporary.
I had a bit of a pep talk from a friend today who told me that you have to feel lucky and positive for positive things to come your way. It may take a bit of work getting ourselves to the required level of PMA but its important we do and stay focussed on our goal.
Best of luck!